Milk & Manolos

The Munchkin has developed a fear of the dark. A rite of passage I’m sure. While she cowers behind me when we enter a darkened room I stand tall, protecting my Bumbalina from all manner of fears, hoping that just a little might rub off on her. Needless to say it hasn’t.

This is where the handy Anti Monster Spray comes in. Before bed, we squirt here, there and everywhere, paying particular attention to under the bed, and ensuring that all closet doors are duly closed and the cat is fast asleep at the foot of the bed, ready to catch any spiders (another fear. We’re working through them one by one).

Let me tell you it works. The lavender, while a touch June Whitfield, certainly has her off to bye-byes in two shakes of a lambs tail, while the bright packaging tells her exactly what she need do should she wake and be scared. Squirt of course !

I love finding quirky gifts to send people. Having spent many a year sending carefully chosen booty bags to the rich and famous I’m always quick to note a must have address for the Black Book.

Biscuiteers is one of these addresses. Lovingly handed to me by a fellow gift giver this is already my new favourite. Who wouldn’t love a small pile of beautifully iced biscuits arriving on their door step ?

Prices range from a very affordable £ 8 through to about £ 37 so there’s something here to fit every budget. I considered for a moment sending The Husband the beautifully hand decorated tin of ladies underwear. After much deliberation I decided against it. It was because of those biscuits that he wasn’t getting the real deal. He’d have to enjoy the ‘Love’ cookies instead …

I feel like a little kid in a sweet shop, about to throw a tantrum. Except I know I don’t have a hope in hell of getting what I want. Frustration to the point of tears.

The thing that I’m desperate for, which will complete me as a wife, mother, daughter, employee and part-time fashionista is the latest offering from Prada, the Prada Fairy bag. Just writing that mad me want to hurl myself towards the ground with great velocity and in full view of the Husband. Surely he can see my pain ?

This bag is just beautiful, but retailing at well over £ 1,000 is way out of my reach. Heavily marketed over the last few weeks this is most certainly the bag to have, and will be until AW 08. Sold out in seconds, if you’re lucky enough to have a hefty wad of spare spondoolies in that bottom draw of yours, get your name on the waiting list toot suite (client.service@prada.com).

In the meantime, I’ll just admire from afar, and consider a short spell of petty crime in order to fund my addiction.

A little over a year ago we were at lunch at a friends, when suddenly, from nowhere, an amplified voice started to groan and shout. To much hilarity the Munchkin had found my god-daughters Early Learning Centre piano. Within two shakes of a lambs tail she’d come over all Liberace and was tinkling the old ivories and singing (hmmm, I’m not sure we can call it that …) away like there was no tomorrow.

The minute we got home I hot fingered it to the ELC website and purchased her own, very spoilt little lady, piano, and it’s been worth every penny. While long gone is the groaning and shouting here to stay is the tuneful little voice that sings along to my piecemeal version of ‘Twinkle Twinkle’. I do miss the days of dodgy karaoke but am channelling very ounce of her musicalness into learning the piano.

Having recently been introduced to Key Skills Pianos I couldn’t help spread the word. How cute are these ?

Developed by Sharon Abbott an ex-concert pianist (retired at 13 ! See, they start em young) having spent many an hour searching high and low for a non-plastic, non-bosa nova beat piano upon which to teach her daughter the art of ivory tinkling, and she found nothing. Commissioning a carpenter and seeing a gap in the market, Key Skills Pianos was born.

In my endless pursuit of developing a well rounded Munchkin I’m dropping hints to Grandparents a go-go that there is a bean of talent there waiting to be nurtured. Of course, it could also be my chance to finally perfect Chopsticks …

I can’t take any credit for the cleanliness of our house. The lovely Iryina arrives on a Friday morning to do her thing, and the rest is down to the Husband I’m slightly ashamed to say.

I tried desperately when newly married to be the dutiful wife, keeping the house spick and span. Unfortunately it wasn’t quite up to the Husbands OCD standards and I eventually grew weary of having him go over my elbow grease when I turned the other way. I thought he was just being nice when he said he enjoyed it but almost 9 years later I’m still waiting for that smile he has when armed with a jiffy and any manner of anti-bacterial spray to fade. Freak. Quite frankly, I’m much better at making a mess.

Occasionally, true to my Piscean traits, I feel the need to deep clean. When I’m in this kinda mood, it’s best that the house is evacuated and I’m allowed to be a whirling dervish for all of the 7 minutes I’m activated. It’s at times like this that Bicarbonate of Soda is one of my best friends (now who’s the freak ?).

Here’s just some of the ways our White Friend can help you out :

Baking soda on a damp sponge removes grease easily from the hob and back splash.

Particularly good for those with cats and dogs, or small children currently being potty trained, Bi Carb can also help with carpet deodorising, just sprinkle onto carpet before going to bed and vacuum in the morning.

Adds super sparkle to sinks, baths and toilets. Again, just rub on using a damp sponge and rinse.

Brilliant for cleaning pipes. Use one quarter Bi Carb to vinegar, pouring down the sink with some boiling water. The chemical reaction cuts through all the grease and dirt down there and leaves it smelling sweet.

It’s also really effective should you, gulp, have an ant problem in the summer. Sprinkle around cabinets and cupboards where you’re having the problem and it should deter our little friends from returning.

Having spent my life burning saucepans I know this one works. While still hot, add a solution of water and Bi Carb and allow to soak. Voila !

To minimise odours in your fridge, remove top from box of baking soda and place it on one of the shelves. It ain’t pretty but it sure is effective.

As a new mother, I was one of those abominable women who signs their child up to all and sundry to ensure their rounded development. Simply to assauage the guilt I felt of having a practically no maternity leave and returning to my previous career based life far too quickly, this little lady was sent to laugh and clap at many a music group. It’ll come as no surprise to those with children that my house of cards soon came tumbling down, as I careered (pun very much intended) into a small life crisis.

One of the classes the Munchkin attended was Sing and Sign, and one for which I’ll be eternally grateful. Also to her chaperone, the darling Husband who would spend an hour every Tuesday locked away in a windowless room “sweating like a rapist” with a bevy of yummy mummies, all of whom refused to speak to him.

Perhaps four months is a little young to start, but this undoubtedly has been one of our better parenting decisions. Particularly true to our consumeristic style we of course purchased the DVD. When, after the first batch of classes the Husband felt he could cope no longer with the frostiness, the Munchkin and I would enjoy the DVD in our own time, in the comfort of our own home (the cushions were far nicer I can tell you), and I finally got to learn the songs.

It wasn’t until Madam reached seven months that the fruits of our labour paid off. Demanding to watch some more Bob the Builder, the Munchkin emphatically signed ‘More’, much to great hilarity. From that day on they came thick and fast, our communicating baby our new found party piece. On our results alone I swear they’ve sold hundred of DVDs. The Munchkin of course loved it, she could have us running around after us at the mere click of her fingers.

The one thing we worried about was whether it would impede her the development of her vocal communication. The answer to that is a resounding no. Having quickly found her voice there’s been no stopping her. She’s as louqucious as any other 2 year old.

Now all I need is something to shut her up …

Smell is important, there’s no doubting that.  I know this from person experience, as anyone who has to squeeze onto the 08.03 to Waterloo will tell you.  I can literally buckle at the knees at first sniff of the great unwashed.  True, it’s a rare occurrence during commuter hours but thereafter we’re all fair game.  These people can come from nowhere, sitting next to you or making like a sardine by your side in the over packed carriage, smelling like something the cat dragged in.  Ugh, particularly bad on hang over days.

Priding myself on smelling sweetly at all moments, I always carry my Kisu perfume with me.  I love it so, I simply don’t want to stop breathing in.  Of course I do, because that would be plain stupid and purple isn’t such a good look in the face department.  My handy handbag size atomiser can also help deodorise those nearest and smelliest with the careful use of spritzing, particularly useful on public transport.  Now EVERYONE smells lovely.

Returning oddly sized Christmas lingerie this weekend, I spent the few minutes waiting to hear if my wish was to be granted by the rather scary Sales Assistant amusing myself with the packaging of Trinny & Susannah’s support garments.  Never have I seen anything so brash and money grabbing.

I mused for a moment over my failure to include the trusty Spanx pant in my blog.  This is information worth sharing.  Quickly adding it to my long list of resolutions, I’m hence removing it with a proud tick following this post.

There’s no doubting we all have days when we feel a little ‘bloated’.  These are one of the sneaky little tricks that fashionistas squirrel away for such days.  A variety of shapes, sizes and colours caters for whatever your concern, quickly smoothing you out and pushing you in and comfortably too. Also, you can resist the aptly named Power Brief ?  Surely this is something every woman should own ?  Following the shrinkage of my so called ‘lucky pants’ there’s been a space in my closet for a favourite brief for far too long.  One that’s just been filled. 

Today I’m on my soap box, depressed by the world in which we all live, and worse still, will hand over with the family jewels in our respective estates to the Munchkins.

Being the bloshy madam I am, since the Green Revolution hit the headlines, I’ve typically let it wash over my head. Stubborn beyond belief, and sure as hell not having anyone tell me what to do, I watched with interest and general agreement but failed to take the next step.  Some how the switch has been flicked, and in a series of serendipitous events I’m buckling down and becoming an Eco Warrior.

Of course I have no intention of dreading my hair, nor turning vegetarian, but there are small, painless ways in which we can stop the disgusting waste of resources, preserving Earth for generations to come.

First step on the journey is We Are What We Do’s eco-bible Change the World from 9 to 5, second only to their Change the World for a Fiver. Small actions can create huge results, surely we owe it to the small people?

I’ve found a little something that is going to revolutionise the Husbands life.  My downright refusal to iron anything since 1986 has meant he’s had his work cut out on the pressing front.  Well, not quite.  On closer inspection it’s likely that you’ll find we’re more than a little creased.

X Crease is going to change all that.  With a quick spray here and there, the Husbands occasional Sunday night chore will become even less frequent.  An instant clothes de-creaser, if only there was one for the face.